Walk of FAITH
ever seen anything like it before? Everyplace you look someone is sick ~
for me, all I have to do is look in the mirror......
summer John and I worked in our yard quite a bit - trimming trees, etc. And
we were going to do some landscaping so I gathered some grandkids
together to help me pick up some rocks (which are plentiful). They would
load up the wheel
barrow and I would carry it to a different location. Yes, they were very
heavy! We worked on this project for days - then the rains came and we never
to it. In the meantime I decided to drive my Mother to Pennsylvania for
a visit with her sister. We packed up and I drove for two days, stopping
for rest. Yes, we were exhausted! It was the week of the 4th of July and
there were lots of festivities planned so our week there was busy. We ate
a lot and
had lots of fun visiting with friends and family. In fact, I knew I was
overeating because I was having a hard time closing the button on my jeans.
I felt a
little puffy in the stomach - I could still zip my pants but that top button
not worth the effort. I noticed one night, as I lay on the bed, that I
had a lump in my abdomen. A hard lump I had never noticed before. I thought
pulled a muscle (from all those rocks) or maybe I had a hernia .......I
just knew I had something strange and it appeared overnight. I didn't say
~ just thought it would go away ~ and if not, I would give it some time
to see what was going to happen.
a week, we drove back to San Antonio, and when I got home to John I told him
what had happened. He wanted me to go to the doctor, but
I told him I was
going to wait a little while to see what developed and how I felt. I
didn't feel sick. I just couldn't snap my pants. And I was tired - but after
all ~ I had
just done a lot of driving.
until the end of August to try to find a doctor to get checked out. I still
wasn't feeling sick, but the swelling was not going down
to find out what kind of damage I had done to myself. Now, please know,
I don't go to doctors. I went for a pap smear when I was 30 and it
was a bad experience
and I said I'd never do that again - and I didn't. I'm rarely sick,
maybe an occasional cold in the winter, but other than that - I just don't
get sick, so
I don't go to doctors. I had to look for a primary doctor, and I wanted
a woman ...I chose one from the phone book. She was a nice oriental
that, after hearing
my story, began to tell me all that I needed to get done to catch up.
Pap smear, mammogram, bone density, blood work - this and that - and it
was days of exams.
I hated it! She finally sent me for x-rays on my abdomen and found
that I had an ostrich egg size fibroid tumor attached to my uterus. She referred
me to a
lady gynecologist, and yes, we went through some of the same testing
more. Oh! I really hated this ~ but they had me now, and I was examined
until I was
tired. I even had to see a cardiologist for testing - oh this was really
something for me! The gynecologist, Dr. Van did an ultrasound and after
of what she saw I can only tell you that she drew something that looked
like a hot air balloon and the air balloon was the tumor. The basket
(or bottom part)
of the air balloon was my uterus and she informed me that I needed
get rid of it all. We scheduled surgery for September 10, a hysterectomy.
61, I wasn't
planning on any more children anyway, so I was ready to go under the
knife and get this over with! Dr. Van told me she wanted to do a laporoscopic
but for some reason, if she was not able to do that - it would be an
incision. From my navel ...south. She preferred to do the laporoscopic
procedure - where she would shred the tumor and bring it out in strips,
meat. (Well -That's what she said)!
that didn't happen and I'll spare you all the gory details, but it must have
been an ugly scene. In surgery, my vitals dropped
when an artery
and I lost 4 units of blood. They had to give me an emergency IV
in the neck and I thank the good Lord I've lived to tell about it.....but
not over yet. After I woke up and was recovering Dr. Van came in
on the edge of my bed and said, "you know, Pam, the Lord was really with
you in that surgery" ~ I said, "yes!" She said, "No,
I mean REALLY! I was unable to get the tumor out laporoscopically
turned out to be the size of a bowling ball - and inside we found
a leiomyosarcoma - a cancer. If I had shred that tumor like I had
planned ~ you would have
had cancer spread all through your body."
me that she could not tell if they got it all - but it was encapsulized -
so she thought she had. Because of all the blood loss,
they were working
feverishly to save me and she could not tell me for sure. She wanted
to refer me to another
doctor for a follow-up, when I recooperated....and she did.
I was going
to see a male gyno-onccologist this time and my appointment was set for 11:15am.
I was there early to fill out the routine/necessary
we went into the reception area it was full of people. I didn't
really think anything of it until John and I had sat there for
over an hour.
turned to the man next to me and asked him what time his appointment
was - and he said, "I've
been here since 8:30.....my wife is in taking chemo."
As I turned
my head a lady entered the room and she looked frail, weak and emaciated.
She was an
older lady and tall, like myself. Her hair was short like a
man's. Her clothes were hanging on her and she could barely make it to the
receptionist' desk, even
though she used a cane. When she got there she whispered, "I'm so weak." The
nurse recognized her and said, "okay, Miss Whatever, just have a seat we
will be right with you." I sat there stunned. I thought, "oh my dear!
THIS IS A CANCER CLINIC!!! Is this what is going to happen to me? Is this my
destiny? Oh Lord, please help me." I looked over to John and he asked what
was wrong. I had tears streaming down my face.......and I could not speak. About
that time the nurse called my name. I was undone (to say the least), but I tried
to pull myself together to speak to her. She took me down the hall and weighed
me. She then told me to sit down while she took my blood pressure. I sat down
in the chair she had pointed to - and when I did ~ I faced a room full of people
hooked up to IV's - most all had a bandana on their head. I sat there overwhelmed
and could barely breathe.
the nurse if that was chemo, and she nonchalantly said, "oh yes, you can take it many different ways, even
in your stomach" -
I didn't hear much else that she said because my whole world
was crumbling before my eyes. She took me to a room and told
me that the doctor would be in shortly.
John was in the room but I couldn't speak. The doctor came right
in and after introducing himself - he told me he was going to
read my pathology report to
me and then we were going to discuss treatment for the cancer
I have. HAVE???? My mind was reeling - why does he keep saying
HAVE?? I only came here for a check-up.
My surgery is over. My cancer is gone. I haven't thought about
cancer for one moment - because Dr. Van got it all. I don't HAVE
cancer - I HAD a cancer. Did
he just say terminal?? Now he's telling me that the kind of cancer
I have is very fast growing and that it will more than likely
go to my lungs and lymphnodes......oh,
this is W-A-Y too much for me! Now he wants to know if we have
any questions. John asked if he might know what could have caused
this. He tells him that we
are vegetarians, no alcohol, no tobacco ......etc. The doctor
says, "no -
it's not lifestyle - it's just by chance. It can happen to anyone. There IS no
reason." He then asked me if I had ever had radiation in
my pelvic area. I told him no. To make a long story short, he
wanted me to start chemo and radiation
- yesterday! He wanted me to have a PET scan and a CT scan and
on and on ~ ~ I asked him what a PET scan was and he said that
they would inject radiation
into me and it would highlight where my cancer was on the x-ray.
I left his office devastated. I was numb! I walked to the car
and I really couldn't believe all
that I had just been through. John talked - but my thoughts were
running every which way - I felt like I was in a whirlwind. We
drove and I told John, "Please
let me think about all this ~ I just need some time." I didn't cry - I just
thought. I finally told John, "you know, this is not making sense to me.
He asked me if I had had any radiation in my pelvic area ~ and NOW he wants me
to have a PET scan - that will PUT radiation inside of me.......if it could have
caused my cancer why would I want to be injected with it now??? I don't get it!
I am going to have to think about this a little longer." It
didn't take me long to decide I was not going to be that woman
that walked into
I was just a dollar sign to that doctor. He had shown no compassion.
Cancer was his business - his bread and butter. Sure my insurance
would pay -
but why would
I want to make him rich and let him finish killing me? I told
John I was not going to do it. I wanted a second opinion and
I wanted to go an alternative
way if all this was true. I told John that if I was dying I wanted
to go with
kind of dignity. Not bald, not drugged up, maybe not knowing
what I was saying or doing - no - that was not how I wanted to
go down into the grave,
if I was
going to be laid to rest. John told me he would help me do whatever
I wanted to do. What an angel!
A few years
ago my cousin had told me about a friend of hers that had taken an herbal
treatment for cancer - I called her
been cancer free for nineteen years. I decided to call the
man and get all the details. I spoke with his wife and found out
to a clinic in
Tijuana, Mexico. I got the phone number and called and spoke
to a doctor. I told him all that you have just heard and asked
me to go ahead
and have all the tests - even the PET scan. He said that it
would be a very small amount of radiation, and that I should go to
store and buy a
bottle of SOD. I was to take it (immediately after the PET
scan) as directed on the bottle (3 x a day) and that I was to take
it for a
month - until
the bottle was empty. He also told me to gather all my records
and then come to see him.
I decided that this is what I wanted to do.
Mr. Ugly doctor back and told him I would agree to take the tests. My testing
was done on a Tuesday in San Antonio.
to come back
for the results. On Wednesday I got a call from the doctor's
office and they wanted me to come in that day for the results.
them I would
that and call them back shortly. The phone rang again and
this time it was the doctor. He said, "Mrs. Ladzinski, normally I don't
give results over the phone but I think we need to get you started on chemo
right away." I asked
him what he found and he told me that I have cancer in my
bones and that he saw four lesions in my pelvic area and one in my lower
spine - tail bone area. He
asked me how quickly could I come in and start treatments.
I paused - then told him that I had decided to get a second opinion and that
I would be in touch with
him. We hung up and I called back to his office and told
them to get my records ready that my husband was coming by for copies. They
told me they would have
them ready at the end of the day. We hung up and shortly,
the phone rang again. It was the doctor. He said that he was calling back
because he wanted to recommend
some doctors in his group. I told him I had found one. He
asked his name. I told him. He asked where he was located. I told him I was
going out of town, and that
I was going see someone that my cousin had recommended. He
said, "oh, I
didn't think I recognized the name." He then proceeded
to give me the names and phone numbers of three doctors in
San Antonio (in his group)
to recommend, just in case I changed my mind. He wished me
good luck and I thanked him.
went by to pick up my medical records the doctor was still writing notes
on them. John read them to me from
(I was anxious
to hear) - his report stated what advice he had given me
(chemo & radiation) and he
had also written (but never spoke) the words "stage 4" and "incurable." Well,
so okay, I'm dying...... but before I do .......I'm going to Mexico!
So off we went to California. My cousin's friend had recommended a motel that
had a shuttle to the clinic so October 24 at 8:30am we boarded and crossed
the border into Tijuana. The clinic was up in the hills and it was very nice.
Clean but modest and everyone seemed very friendly. I gave my records to
the receptionist and then was taken into a room for a blood test and a
Vitals were taken and I was told that the doctor would be reviewing my records
and I would be called in shortly. John and I were taken into a large family
room (of sorts) and there were other folks gathered and chatting. We were
invited to join a group - one couple was there from Wyoming and the husband
have cancer but his kidneys were failing and his doctor gave him no hope
so he was in Tijuana to see what they could do for him. Another couple
Michigan - the husband has cancer and his wife and sister had come with him.
The sister has cancer and we found out from her that the last time she had
gone to her oncologist, he told her that he was giving her - her last chemo
treatment. He said that she had gone through all the series that he could
give her and that she just needed to go home - make herself comfortable
- and prepare
for the end. She was at the clinic for some bit of hope also.
my name and I was introduced to Dr. Teresa Palacios. She wanted to talk and
get acquainted and she asked me to tell her my story. She then
told me she would like to give me an examination and she was very interested
in every spot and scar on my body. She told me that my incision looked
good and it seemed to be healing nicely.
my 5 lesions and said that
I also had one at the T4 area of my spine (upper back). I asked her if
the cancer was IN my bones or ON my bones ~ she told me that it was actually
taking the place of my bones (eating them, if you will) and that I
was going to have
to be very careful not to do anything strenuous, or lift heavy objects.
explained that where the cancer is - the bones are very brittle and that
I needed to exercise caution as not to get a fracture.
After the exam we talked more and she explained the program and treatment.
She was quite surprised to know I was a vegetarian.......she asked me "why" ~
I told her I found out by reading the Bible that there were certain things
we are not to eat and also for a healthy lifestyle that we didn't eat dairy,eggs,
etc. She told me that from my lab work I looked amazingly "clean".
Blood count excellent, thyroid, pancreas, sugar, etc. - everything really excellent
- she told me that I probably was not going to have any problem with the program.....in
fact I was practically doing it already. Now I know you want to know about
what I'm doing and not doing so here goes~ it's mainly diet:
I drink a quart of diluted (pure) grape juice a day. I drink a quart
of spring water a day.
I eat all whole grains, all fresh fruits (except tomatoes) and all fresh
or frozen vegetables
I eats nuts and seeds and natural sweeteners (honey, maple syrup, molasses)
I eat only very small amounts of sea salt and olive oil.
I don't eat white processed foods: white flour, white sugar, white salt,
I don't eat fried foods.
I don't eat any foods with vinegar in them, I don't consume alcohol or
caffeine products and I don't eat pork (she was surprised to know I hadn't
in 31 years!)
Daily, I take a multi-vitamin, calcium, magnesium, Ester-C, and an herb
called yew nettle tips (from Montana). This herb has 27 anti-cancer agents
I also take liquid drops called Bonefos for my bones before my meals
and then I take a liquid tonic after my meals.
For meat eaters they are allowed some during the week, also eggs and
some dairy. I have to tell you that a lot of people have a difficult
- including our new friends from Wyoming and Michigan. I, on the other
hand am doing very well on it, and have not lost a pound.
Some of her final instructions to me were that I am to sing everyday.
I am to hum everyday. I am to laugh a lot and do things that make me
I am to have fun! She also explained that because herbs take longer to
work, than drugs, that the next time I came back I may have more lesions.......then
again I may have less ~ depending on how I reacted to the tonic and herbs.
She told me to come back in three months. We will be leaving San Antonio
January 29, and going to the clinic on the 30th. We fly home the 31st.
your prayers for safe travel and a good report. I have been in touch with
Dr. Palacios and I am having CT scans done before I go.
will be able
to compare these with my last ones. I have faith that whatever the outcome
is - that the Lord's will be done. I trust Him and I am trying to do
my part. I
have really stayed strictly to the program and I have a dear friend that
reminds me often that EXACT is close enough!
all of this ~ my spirits have been high and my courage is good. I repeat, "I
have faith in God!!" I have had some good experiences and some
difficult ones in the last three months but this disease not something
that I would
not wish on anyone. I have thanked the Lord many days for Him letting
to me - rather than my husband, or children or grandchildren or ANY
of my family or friends. Everyone in my family has been very helpful
supportive and that
makes things a whole lot easier.
had some experiences with doctors that have re-enforced by decision to do
alternative medicine, and I'll end this "journal" with one last
story: In November, I started having some severe pain in my groin/hip area (right
leg). When I called Dr. Palacios she told me to see a doctor for an evaluation
and I saw a lady oncologist from India. She is young and she too, wanted me to
get on chemo. She told me that she had studied herbs in her country and " they
don't work!" She also told me that she didn't agree with what I was doing
and that she was concerned about my "quality of life" ........
but .....that she would help me. She felt sure that the cancer had
moved into my
hip and that possibly it was fractured, but to make sure, that I
would need an MRI and some x-rays and that instead of me having to
go to a lot of different
labs - that if I would agree to being admitted into the hospital
that she could get the tests done quicker and I could stay overnight
and rest the hip. It was
late in the day - I agreed.
was in "admitting" I received a phone call from a secretary
of an orthopedic surgeon and she wanted to confirm my surgery. I said, "Wait
a minute, I'm not having surgery!!!" She said she had me scheduled the next
day for surgery. I said, "well, you can just UN-schedule me
because I'm not having surgery!" She told me she would check
with the doctor. I asked her what doctor - and it was a doctor
I had never heard of. Ok, I am not happy......
I registered and asked if they showed me getting surgery. "Yes" was
their reply. OK ......I am really not happy now, and I told them
that I was there for an MRI, and some x-rays - NOTHING more. They said they
understood. They took
me to my room. John and I were furious with all this, but before
I knew it they were coming in for vitals, then a tech walks in and says he's
going to do my
x-ray. He asked John to step off. The tech put a pad behind my
back and snap - I'm done. I said, "why did you take an x-ray of my chest? The problem
is in my hip." His reply was, "oh, we take x-rays of everyone's chest
that is having surgery." OK ~ I want out of here!!! These people are crazy!!!
About that time enters another doctor (that I have never met) and she tells me
I am going to get my MRI now. I have to tell you I had a little fit right here,
and John did too. We explained what all had gone on. She said she would take
care of the misunderstanding.
After I got through with the tests I was taken back to my room
where my orthopedic surgeon was waiting. "WHO??" I had never seen this man before in my
whole life, but he was telling me that he had heard my decision of "no surgery" and
he was very disappointed. He guaranteed me - in fact he told me that he was 100%
sure I was going to fracture that hip because the cancer was there now. He told
me that I needed a new ball and pin. I told him that what I needed was for him
to write his evaluation, for my doctor, and then release me ASAP! The discussion
was actually longer than this, but for the sake of time and space .....(he finally
got my point). He left the room (mad), but came back and said he did not agree
with my decision, but he would help me with a walker and a wheelchair and a hospital
bed. I asked him who was going to pay for all this, and he told me that my insurance
should take care of it. It told him to "bring it on!" He also asked
if I would mind staying overnight - no tricks and no disturbances. I agreed.
I was not disturbed. Jennifer (my youngest daughter) and her husband, Gabe, stayed
all night with me ~ because you KNOW we couldn't trust any of them. We spent
the night talking about death and I had a chance to explain to them that I was
not afraid to die. I told them of how the Bible speaks of death as a "sleep" and
that even Jesus, himself, called death a "sleep." I told them that
the Bible does not teach that we go to heaven or hell when we die, but that we
rest in the grave until He comes again. So dying now or dying later is a win-win
situation, because the next thing the righteous ones will hear is Jesus calling
them from their graves. Then they will see Him face to face. I told them if my
work on this earth is done, and the Lord allows me to be laid to rest - I am
ready. Daily, I ask that my sins be forgiven and I try to do His will and I really
hope and pray that I will be in that number that comes forth first. What a day,
glorious day, that will be! This conversation --- made this whole horror story
The next morning Jennifer and Gabe left to take care of their children,
and John was on his way. Before he got there, my Indian lady oncologist
in. I can
only tell you that she was one mad Indian! Since it was just her
and I there she really let me have it.....she said, "Mrs. Ladzinski, what is the matter
with you? Why don't you want to use modern medicine? What kind of a doctor are
you seeing anyway? Is she even a doctor? How can she lay her head on her pillow
at night when she is deceiving so many people? I just don't understand you, Mrs.
Ladzinski!" I told her, "look doctor, I have made my choice to do this
because I don't want your chemistry lab chemo....my God made herbs for healing.....and
I am going to do it His way. I trust Him and I am happy with my decision......and
this is the end of our discussion." She said, "well, if that is your
decision, I will respect it - and I would like to see you after the first of
the year." I told her I would see her then. As she was walking out of my
room she said, "by the way, when was your last flu shot?" I said, "never." She
said, "you've NEVER had a flu shot?? You probably don't believe in immunizations
either - do you?" I shook my head, smiled, and said, "no." She
walked out the door .......I'd say she was just a little frustrated
with me. Poor thing!
my word and went back to her last week. John stayed with me throughout our
entire visit......and she was just so charming.
me to get my CT scans done this week, then I visit her next week
(January 23) for
I will get copies and take them to Dr. Palacios. I just can't
wait to tell
you how this all turns out. I'll update you after our trip to
God bless you and yours, and thanks for your time. I appreciate you and your
friendship.......you HAVE to be a friend
if you read this
Someone asked me the other day when I knew that I had cancer ~ and I have to
tell you that until the middle of November, two months after my surgery,
you would have never known I was a cancer patient. I didn't look any different
that I ever had and I was starting to do a little housework and gardening.......yes,
I was slower.......but I felt good. I actually started having some severe
pain after Thanksgiving but I thought I had over done it ~ helping Julie
and Jennifer with their dinners. The pain started in the groin and that was
because I had the lesions in my pelvic area. Then my right hip started hurting
(and of course, you know about that nightmare). As time passed the pain moved
to different areas~my back would ache just a little above the bra line area,
then my right breast got so hard and sore and tender that I could not sleep
peacefully. I couldn't lay on either side or even on my back - it seemed
impossible to get comfortable. That was pretty miserable and for those that
have never seen me I have to report that my breasts are huge so the intensity
of pain was tremendous. My whole chest hurt. That has gone on for a couple
of months now. I have, of late, developed lower and mid-back pain to the
point that when I try to sit or stand it actually feels like my spine is
being stretched over a rack and it is very painful and I am now experiencing
some severe pain in my left breast to the point that the right one seems
less painful. I know you cannot feel my pain and even describing it doesn't
do it justice. The reason I'm telling you about it - is not to complain -
but on reflection when I didn't have cancer and someone mentioned they had
cancer ~ I felt bad for them but I NEVER imagined their pain. No one has
ever told me how badly they hurt or how very helpless you could feel as a
handicapped or physically challenged person. No one has EVER tried to explain
the pain of cancer. My pain is something that, so far - has been constant.....in
some part of my body and I want to tell you it's ugly.....it's really ugly.
I guess a good explanation would be to say that it feels like a war is
going on inside of me and that the cancer is fighting with all it's might
I imagine it is moving around trying to find a nesting place where it can
continue to grow. It's an ugly monster. I always think of that creepy creature
that is in an advertisement for fungus under your toenails - he's just
really mean and evil looking-and when they lift the toenail there are a
of his buddies working along with him. Oh, that's a creepy commercial....but
that's what I think this cancer looks like...evil! I imagine it is digging
and tearing and scratching and screaming because it cannot find a safe,
undisturbed place to make a home - and that is because the tonic and herbs
and good healthy
food are helping to build up my immune system and to fight it. Well ok,
so I have a fertile imagination......
I left for Mexico I was also experiencing (for a few weeks) some weird stuff
- like pimples. One would show up on the back of my head - and would
be there for about two days then another one would pop up on top of my
head - same story - in a couple of days it would be gone. I ended up having
seven show up (one after another) on my face. Then my right eye started
watering and I got a runny nose .......I told John that it seemed like maybe
might be going up...and I knew if it went to my brain it was probably going
to be sayonara. I did some serious praying and wondered what else could
happen. Then one day, I happened to pick up my instruction sheet ..... The
I had read over and over....but there it was: all symptoms of the body
detoxing!! I got so excited I had to tell everyone (especially the Lord)
how very grateful
I was for my pimples!
I had CT scans done before Mexico, but what I didn't tell you was that I
had requested that a copy be sent to me. They arrived about
days before I went to see Miss Indian Doctor. I looked over them, John
looked over them, and my nephew, Jesse, who is an RN, looked over them
and the report
was all the same: some new lesions and one had increased in size~ but
wait! The one in the right hip showed that it was healing. Yes, the report
to be healing" - so that seemed like good news to me. I have pimples,
runny eye, runny nose and a hip (that the doctors told me needed a new
ball and pin) showed signs of healing. I was so happy. I was not at all
about the new lesions because I was told there was a possibility of that.....so
I was thrilled and considered it a good report. Of course, that was our
day of my appointment when the Indian doctor came into the room she had my
records in a folder and she sat down in front of me and said, "well,
I know you are here for the results of your tests" (she opened the folder
and closed it). She then folded her arms and put her face up in mine and said, "I
can tell you, Mizz Ladzinski, that your herbs are not working! ALL of your
lesions have grown and they are all multiplying......so now what are you going
to do?" I asked her what she recommended and she told me that she wanted
to start me on chemo. (This lady is like a broken record!) I asked her what
exactly would that entail - she told me that she would do three series of treatments
over three months and then we would have more scans and go from there. I asked
how long I would have to do that and she replied, "the rest of your life." I
said, "well, you have my records how long would that be?" She
told me that people with my kind of cancer don't usually last a year.
So I sat there
a moment thinking we know I've had this since at least July so.....hmm
months???" She shrugged her shoulders and nodded to confirm. "Mizz
Ladzinski, I have studied medicine for fourteen years and I am a professional
- I know what I am talking about. You can't continue with that lady in Mexico
that is telling you that she can help you - I just wish I had her name...what
IS her name...and what is her address?" I told her I could give her a
phone number....but she immediately changed the subject. I told her I was going
to have to think about all she was telling me and she said, "fine - I'm
off next week so come back in two weeks - that should give you plenty enough
time to make your decision." She then opened the folder and said, "maybe
we need to do blood work today ~ oh! I see you had it done the last time you
were here.....and everything looked good." She closed the folder then
looked at me closely and said, "you know, you LOOK good." I said, "I
FEEL good." I then got up and opened the door for her. She said, "you're
walking good, too." I said, "yeah, I'm walking fine, my hip is not
hurting anymore." She asked me what I was taking for pain and I told her
nothing. She told me, "I will get you some morphine." She then gave
me a prescription and the nurse told me to get it filled ASAP because the prescription
was only good for seven days. (MORPHINE!! When my uncle was dying of lung cancer
I went to Pennsylvania to help take care of him...he was on morphine the last
six weeks of his life. Morphine is the end drug.) John told the doctor "well,
we probably wouldn't need more than 10 - just in case she gets some horrific
pain that she can't stand." She wrote the RX for 60. This doctor
really loves me!! I have to give her credit - the institutions of higher
have taught her well to work for them. She's persistant to say the
least. If she can't get me hooked up to chemo maybe she can get me
hooked on morphine.
I walked out of her office totally disgusted. I wish I never had to
deal with her and her lies again. I need her though, so I will keep
playing the game.
Mexico is going to happen! I am so excited!!! I showered, dressed and walked
to the car and off we went to the airport. I went
in my wheelchair
to make sure I was in the front of the plane, mainly because I can't
walk too far and also because sometimes I am unsteady standing and
the bathroom issue was going to work out. With all the grape juice
and water I take in - just know that I have p-l-e-n-t-y of great
elimination! The flight
was 3 hours long and I was happy.......but that was short lived.
The minute the plane took off I knew I was in trouble. We had terrible
and my back was screaming ~ I could not get comfortable. Every move
painful. The seatbelt sign was on for an hour and a half before they
allowed anyone out of their seat, then there was a steady stream
of people running
both ways to the bathrooms. I made a "gingerly" dash and
was able to do okay, but the minute I was back at my seat they announced
to buckle up
again and we stayed bucked until we landed. I drank nothing and ate
nothing for fear of having to go to the bathroom on the plane, and
thank God, the one
time I went it wasn't a great ordeal. Not so in the San Diego airport,
though. A lady skycap was pushing my wheelchair and I asked her to
take me into the
bathroom. Now I have to tell you here that this story is going downhill
......I apologize for being descriptive but facts are facts and bodily
being what they are.........poop happens!! For those that may have
a weak stomach
you may want to sit this one out and possibly jump to the end - or
you can brave it out and come along and live the journey with me.
to stand to get out of my wheelchair and I was totally crippled. It felt
like I was being stabbed in the back with an ice pick. I
had to pee and
no one could help me - I - couldn't help me. I was crying because
of the pain and almost screaming trying to get on the commode.
I was begging
help me.....over and over.....and over and over. I didn't know
what I was going to do. I stopped moving and tried to settle down, and
pain, I was finally able to slide onto the commode. Then I didn't
I was going to get off. (Oh Brother) John had gone for the luggage
even if he knew I was in trouble - he surely couldn't come in and
help me, so a
repeat of the horrible struggle occurred again. The Lord helped
me get back into my wheelchair and I cried all the way to the baggage
suffering so. (Oh! This is a lot for me.~even childbirth was a
drop in the bucket compared to this). Don't get me wrong - I'm usually
- but I'm REALLY no match for this cancer business. John tried
to comfort me but now we had to get to a shuttle and get our rental
car and I
was just not
handling the pain very well. Yes, it was a painful scene getting
into the rental car and again trying to get out at the motel. People
heard me in
both places but I was oblivious to their reaction. My focus was
to get in a bed ASAP and try to let my body rest - but before I could
I had to
go to the bathroom again - only this time it was going to be a
SERIOUS MOVE and I needed to be in the bathroom quickly. This was a total
nightmare. I had
requested a room for handicaps but the commode was so low that
thought my back was going to break. I just couldn't do it. It was
move from my
wheelchair to the commode but it was just too far. John was trying
to do all he could but I was crying so hard and he was crying so
just impossible for either of us to accomplish this task. I was
bent over pushing and pulling with all my might................then John
my pants down and lifted my rear onto the commode. As quick as
that! Now folks, you know I am not a little girl, and John has been having
himself, but I'll tell you what ~ he was moving and grooving at
point and I made it just in time! I really thank God that John
just did what
he thought he needed to do....and by the time he got me in bed
- we were both exhausted.
I had had
one other experience like this at home a few weeks before.......but I was
surely not prepared for this to happen on the trip. I had
been laid flat on my back for two days with similar pain ~ but
in my back
I had my heating pad and bed pan and wipes, etc. ~ now John had
to go find all this in California. (The man is an angel - I'm
his "run" after
he made sure I was fed and comfortable.
Mexico and talked to Dr. Palacios and told her I was in San Diego but was
flat on my back and I didn't know if I was
make it to the clinic the next day because the plane ride was
just too much for
me and I was having severe pain. She asked if John could come
and get a prescription for pain from her. She told me that
if he couldn't
would need to go
the ER and get something for pain because my body was going
to be so stressed that it could go into shock and my life could
be in danger.
CANNOT IMAGINE THIS ORDEAL!!!) John got back and was able to
driver from the
motel to take him. Before he left I was trying to figure out
how I was going to manage alone for a few hours. The bathroom
me)....but you know - this is the way the Lord works: we had
reserved a room with a king size bed...they said they had none
(non-smoking) by the
time we arrived so they could only give us a room with two
were not happy but we accepted it ...and now....now I see that
HE knew that we were going to need two beds because I had come
(It was a
gross plan but you know that old saying "necessity is
the mother of invention" ~
Well, it was the best that I could think of in my condition.)
I told John to bring the tall garbage can near my side of the bed, then brace
a straight chair
against the other bed. (I told you this story is going downhill!)
I slowly wiggled sideways in the bed and my plan was to scoot my butt to
the edge of
the bed and laying flat on the bed, with my legs over the
can and my feet on the chair, I would pee in the can. Is that disgustingly
ingenious, or what????
Boy! I guess I never have thought about what kind of drastic
measures must be taken in crucial times .....especially for handicapped people.
and sisters, I have gained a whole new respect for these
kind of people. This has really been an eye opening experience for me ......I
think I have been toddling
through this life without a clue! No, now don't think I haven't
helped handicapped people, many times, different situations.....but I've
never put myself in THEIR
position. How humiliating and degrading to someone. And speaking
as an adult - I have been truly humbled and appreciative of all the heroes
in my life that
have sprung into action to help me.....when I was help less....
I LUV 'EM ~ I LUV 'EM!!!!!!!
Overload......look for Chapter 4 ....if you're still with me!
sent out my story I never realized the response I would have. I have heard
from people that I don't even know and so many have said they were praying
for me......YOU are my heroes!! I appreciate you all so much. Hugs and Kisses
to each of you for living this with me. It makes it easier ~ the Lord in
hand and you in the other ~ what an army!!
folks have asked me to let them know my progress and they've said, "be
sure to tell me everything ~ I want to know".........well, okay, so
here we go again~~~ I am in the motel, exercising my new invention. It's
out as perfectly as I would have liked.....but it's working and that's
what counts. The Lord had arranged that He and I have some quite time now
thought over His pain and suffering compared to mine. I felt amazed by
His love for someone such as I, and wondered how He could go through the
torture- for such a disobedient child as myself. He helped me be still
and calm - I felt safe and I fell asleep.
made it back okay with the medicine and I took them through the night. I
was able to sit up the next morning and using a "shower in the bed" towelette,
John helped me dress and get into my wheelchair. The driver of the shuttle
was very kind and let me sit in the front seat of the van. He had a step that
made it easier for me to get in. We made it to the clinic. I was so happy to
be there. They took my records and then I went for a blood test and urine test.
They ask you to put on a robe, but they told me I could leave my slacks on,
just to remove my bra and blouse. They let me stay in my wheelchair throughout
vitals, etc. So that made it a little easier for me. My back was not hurting
so bad and I was able to act fairly sane. God is good. The people at the clinic
are so friendly - it really gave me a boost just to be there. We met so many
nice people, some new, some returning, but everyone had a story and it was
encouraging to hear of this one and that one getting clean bills of health.
One lady had been going to the clinic for 13 years and she had just gotten
her "all clear" sign. She told me her story and as I listened, I
couldn't help but hope that one day, I would be THIS lady - in THIS clinic
- telling MY success story.
They called my name and told me I was going to see Dr. Gutierrez. The
nurse explained that they like all the doctors to know the patients and
cases. Dr. Gutierrez is a melanoma specialist, but there were no melanoma
that day so the patients were divided equally among the doctors and he
got me! I had met him before and had talked to him on the phone before
- and he
is actually the doctor who helped my cousin's friend with his cancer.
So he took John and I into his office and we got acquainted better. We
quite a while -he then asked to examine me and helped me onto the table.
John sat watching. He checked my eyes, ears, nose, throat, and then asked
pull my robe down to my waist. He checked my breasts and I was really
happy to hear him say he found no lumps. He did tell me that he noticed
I had something (a medical term) in my breasts that he wanted to treat.
He said that
even women that are not nursing have a serum that slightly flows through
the ducts in the breasts. He said usually women don't even notice it,
but he could
tell there was a blockage in both breasts and that he wanted to dissolve
that. Of course, my answer was, " well, no wonder these babies are so big ~
they're holding years of serum." Ok, we needed a little humor here. You
ladies know how it is....you got some strange man that has his hands all over
yours breasts.....you don't know whether to look at him straight in the eyes
and smile like "yeah, I'm enjoying this too" ....or look away and
pretend this is really not happenin'.......after rolling my eyes around a few
times, I finally just told him, "thanks for having nice warm hands" and
he kind of chuckled~~~~I'm sure he thought I was a total kook! He listened
to my chest and back and then checked my surgery scar and said it looked
like it was healing nicely. He told me to get dressed, then released
us to go and
have some breakfast. He said he would call us back when he got the results
from my blood and urine tests. John and I had a nice breakfast and a
couple from Ohio joined us. I'm eating bean and rice tacos (corn tortillas)
and onion. I'm also having a carrot, beet and celery cocktail. Lovely!
I am on the diet! The lady orders two coffees. Her husband is the patient.
little shocked because caffeine is a no-no.....and she didn't ask for
decafe. He eats turkey bacon and eggs which are acceptable for meat eaters....but
he asks me if I've heard about these certain kind of acid-free tomatoes
....yellow and orange with stripes .....I told him no, but then he said
he was going to
check into getting seeds to grow them. I'm thinking "sir, there are no
tomatoes allowed on this diet. No tomatoes means no tomatoes!" but I just
smiled and pretended this was not happenin' either. When I mentioned this to
John later...he reminded me that I am not the food police....(you gotta love
When the doctor called us back in he had two print-outs on his computer.
He told me everything looked really good. I had green dots by almost
everything (which means my count was in an acceptable range). He
then pointed to a
dot and said, "you didn't drink any water on the plane, did
told him no. He said the 3 red dots were just slightly lower than
what they should have been - but he saw nothing to be alarmed over.
He gave me a prescription
for the milk ducts. I am to take this for 7 days. He increased my
dosage of tonic, and has added a Chinese herb formula especially
for sarcomas. He also
added an herb that works with fat. Knowing I am a vegetarian he asked
me if I would mind having some yogurt, or cottage cheese or milk.
He explained that
the herb would attach itself to the fat and work longer in the body.
I told him I didn't have a problem with that....if that's what I
needed to do that's
what I would do. I told him I was there to do the program! He said
he knew that and he was encouraged by how well I'm doing and how
well my immune system
looks. So ........he's giving me a closing speech and then asks if
we have any questions. I said, "you haven't even mentioned anything
about my lesions." He
said, "you got the results already didn't you? You know you
have one healing." I
said, "but the doctor at home tells me they are all multiplying" ---
he started shaking his head "no" and waving his hand and
arm --- he said, "I don't care what that doctor said --- WE
are not going to focus on that --WE are going to focus on the one
that is healing. Put everything
else out of your mind." I said, "but she said I only have
6 months." He's
waving and shaking "no" again. He said, "I don't care
what she told you.....is she God? She can't make a statement like
that ....you're healing!
All she wants to do is get you discouraged and depressed and desperate
enough to take her medicine. NO! We are going to think about the
healing that is going
on. Stay strictly on your diet. Take your herbs and focus on the
healing. You're doing great - just keep it up." Ok, I'm pumped
up now. His enthusiasm was contagious. I needed this "fix." I
love this doctor and I love this place. It fills me with hope!!
I wish each of you could see the clinic-I know you hear "Mexico" and
instantly you think hole-in-the-wall, dirty knives...no, no...it's not at
all like that....and there are a lot of people utilizing this facility. John
out there are 60 cancer clinics in Tijuana....hmmm people are desperate for
a cure, not just death on the installment plan with drugs and even not remission
~ we want to be healed!!!
up to come back across the border and there were folks on the shuttle from
some of the other clinics. John chatted with them as the driver and
I spoke. We stopped at a regular pharmacy to get prescriptions filled but
had to go to a Holistic pharmacy for mine. One RX was for the breasts
ducts. The other was for pain ...which the pharmacy was out of. Lovely! The
told John they would send the medicine to the clinic and the clinic could
forward it to us. So, ok, we had a plan.
The process for going through security to come back into the U.S. Is that
you must unload the shuttle - everything goes - and is checked. The driver
me that I was not getting out. (I love him!) Sure enough at the checkpoint
everyone had to walk across but Ma rio came back with a border patrol and
the officer asked me if I had a passport. I held it out but he didn't take
open it - he just said, "ok" and told Mario to take me around. We
met the other folks at a designated point. I was so thankful that I didn't
have to get out and I was telling Mario how much I appreciated his help with
that. Above his side of the door I noticed a picture of Jesus. He told me that
the next time I came back that he didn't want to see me in the wheelchair.....I
pointed to his picture and told him to have a little talk with Him....and said, "and
you can mention my name, Pam, because He knows who I am.....we're on a first
name basis." He laughed and said, "oh yes! That's good." He
was so kind and helped me out of the van. He told me his home was in Tijuana,
but he gave us his card and told us to call him when we came back...that
anything we needed he would be happy to help. (Another hero)!
both pretty tired by the time we got in the room (it was a long day) but
I was able to walk a little with John's help. We had a bite to
decided to retire for the evening. Early in the morning, while making
a bathroom call, I was struck again...this time it seemed worse than ever.
This was devastating
to both of us because our plane was to leave at 11am and we had a car
return and be at the airport at least 2 hours early so now we were faced
with a major
problem....I can't move! I told John that there was just no way I could
sit three hours on a plane.....I couldn't even sit up. So we called and
our flight. They told him there was only one more flight leaving out
that day - at 6:30pm and it had a stop in Loss Wages for an hour. There were
seats on any flights going out on Friday - but there was one left on
and it was straight through. We we tossing around the idea of driving.
We'd have to wait to see what I was able to endure.
John decided to go back across the border to try to get the pain medicine.
The shuttle left at 7am so he quickly put food, water, juice, wipes,
etc. Out for me on the bed. He set up the pee can and chair again. He's
like a mad man and trying to make sure I would be okay and have everything
I would need. I told him I was cold so he put some socks on my feet,
covered me and asked me if I wanted the heater on.....he did that for
me - then
was out the door to make the shuttle on time. He called me about an hour
later and said the pharmacy was not open so they had to wait. Even when
open they still did not have the medicine I needed, so the driver told
him they would go to a few other Holistic pharmacies to see if they had
In the meantime, the day was warming and so was I. The heater was about
to choke me and I was having a hard time breathing - so after squirming
(like a worm in dirt) - FINALLY I was able to scoot close enough to the
phone to call the desk. I told them I was sick and couldn't get out of
bed to turn
the heater off - they said they would send someone to help. When the
maid opened the door, she said, "wow, it's hot in here".................I was
so thankful that little hero came to my rescue before I was roasted hen!
It was seven hours before John returned......yep, seven....count 'em.....because
I sure did. Pharmacies with no medicine and traffic and congestion at
the border = all added up to a pretty full pee can in room number~~~~~.(maybe
not tell you, just in case you might visit that motel someday). I was
ready to see him when he got back because now I HAD to get to the bathroom.
Ok peeing in a can is one thing, and having someone up close and personal
in your private parts in one thing...........but dealing with poop......I
not ready for that. And I wouldn't want to put anyone through that...............oh,
yuck....so "please help me to the bathroom!!!"
So ok, it's 2 o'clock, and I am on the throne. John is calling around
trying to find a car that I can lay down in - in the back seat. Can you
they want six and seven hundred dollars to take a car one-way to Texas????
listening and thinking how outrageous this was....and all because of
me. John was going to have to drive 22 hours straight or two days and
with me for
that long in a car.....oh no. I needed to bite the bullet on this one
and try to give the poor man a break. I begged the Lord for the strength
live through this. There were no flights the next day (Friday) and I,
for sure, didn't want to travel on the Sabbath.....so while John was
to check on a mini-van ~ I called to him and told him to hang up and
call the airline to see if we could get on the 6:30pm flight. He asked
I was sure
I could make it. I told him all I could do was try. For just a mere $400
more (added to our original ticket's credit) - we had our flight scheduled.
he thought I was high maintenance BEFORE I got sick!) Oh brother!
We didn't have any time to spare- and neither or us had bathed for two
days. Well, we grab the "shower in the bed" towelettes and get busy!! John
has to go square-up at the office. I told him to see if one of the workers
will sell him their back brace. He's out the door! He tells them I have been
sick and have soiled the sheet and mattress pad and that he needs to buy a
couple of pillows to cushion my back for a plane ride - yeah, they're okay
with all that (probably not the first lame story they've heard). The workers
have one back brace that they share (what's that about??) - but a driver is
there that offers to run John over to a Wal-Mart. They go.....but I don't know
that. I wait and wait and I am in a panic mode now. John left his phone in
the room ~ I think he has had a heart attack - or gotten hurt and I am edging
up to frantic. Voile! He charges in the door waving the brace he has found.
He has the trophy!! (How could I be mad about this now?) He cinches me up and
I feel like a stuffed sausage. No I can't breathe....but do we care? We've
got a plane to catch so.......p-l-e-a-s-e get out of our way. My husband is
a genius but when it comes to directions ~ well, ladies ~ we know I better
not go there (ok, I'll whisper it "he missed his turn and he can't find
the car return place.") Hooray! We found it....and instead of us being
at the airport at 4:30 - we might make it by 5:30 if we hustle. (Did I mention
I cannot breathe because of the harness I am wearing) - but I'm calm. When
we pulled into Enterprise John jumped out and told the rep that we were running
late for a flight and that we needed a shuttle with a lift because I was in
a wheelchair. What a darling guy (named Taylor) ~ he told John to jump in the
back seat - that he could drive us quicker and it would be less inconvenient
for me. H_E_R_O!!! So it's nearly 5 and the line to check in is miles long.
John and I are heading that way when an attendant grabbed me and pushed me
to the front of the line. I AM LOVIN' THIS!!! Heroes everywhere....aka "angels." I
am too blessed to be stressed at this point. I just see home in front of me
and I am ready to get there.
Are you aware that they have "family bathrooms?" Well - who knew???
John was able to help me in San Diego, before we boarded the plane. Now
what I'm talking about!! Necessity IS the mother of invention! We have needs
people - thank you!
We had a little time to eat and then we boarded. My back was killing
me. The hour long flight into Las Vegas was a party flight for many.
the attendant did a Wayne Newton version of "Fly me to the moon" -
oh the cheering and clapping. I was happy also....but it was because I was
an hour closer to home. Another family bathroom....YES!!
We boarded and the flight going out of Las Vegas was really quiet. A
lot of folks licking their wounds from losing their money, I would guess.
airport there was full of slot machines...so you can gamble your money
away until the last minute! Yeah!
The quiet on the plane was nice but I was still hurting. I sat on a pillow
and had one behind my back, I even loosened the brace to try to get comfortable.
Every 15 minutes I was asking John, "how much longer?" Finally he
said, "we have 35 minutes left." OH! There IS a GOD!!! I asked
the stewardess for a cup of ice. I was parched. The ice was the answer
- it froze
my mouth so badly that it took my mind off the back pain. Two cups helped
me make it to the landing strip and Texas Turf never felt so good.
It's taking me some time to re-cooperate. I am walking without my walker
and moving slow...but once again, the Lord has been merciful to me and
me through to another day. I am encouraged and hopeful that I will continue
Thank you for riding this roller coaster with me. Thank you for all your
calls and cards and visits and prayers and love.....I'm feelin' it, heroes!
while I have been sick, my husband, my daughters, and my brother have said, "I wish I could take this pain from you." What a statement
to make....and what love they have shown. I have told them that I REALLY understand
what they are trying to tell me but I would never want anyone to suffer such
pain. Many have commented on my "strength" - but that's not what
it's all about. It's about the Lord, Jesus who took worse pain than we'll ever
know - instead of us having to take it...and our faith in Him. His death ~
for our life! JESUS IS MY ULTIMATE HERO!! His strength is perfect ~ and I cling
to that!. He has blessed me and even through cancer or other trials that may
come my way- I want to continue having the faith to see through the darkness
onto a brighter day. I am not a hero....but so many of you are: My darling
John, Rockie & Julie, Gabe & Jennifer, Jimmie & (sweet) Diane,
Jesse & Amie, Justin & Emily, little Rocky, Devin, Lindsie, MacCall,
Grayson, Teagan, Gavin, Zach & Kennedi, Shailey, Lindon & Hanna, my
85 year old Mom, Connie & Wilbur, Verne & Anna, Merribeth, Ann, June,
Emma Lou ("thanks for taking care of Boston and Smokie"), Diana,
Bobby, Brenda, Bonnie, Don, Mr & Mrs E .... (oh, there's not EVEN enough
paper for this) .....so many friends, and relatives and neighbors.....you know
who you are.....I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! And I thank you for each
act of kindness that you've shown by exercising the talents that the Lord has
given you. Remember the Lord says in Matthew 25:40, "Verily I say unto
you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren,
ye have done it unto me." Thanks for loving Him So!!
been patient to wade through this adventure with me and I will try my best
to keep you updated. Thanks for the interest. Lord
make another trip to Mexico in April.
May God bless you and yours with good health and much happiness! I love you
all dearly, and I am the least......but I remain