Regaining the Lost Art of Making An Apology

A recent article on relationships suggested that making apologies today is sort of like algebra. It was something that was learned when we were young, but now that we are grown up we don't need it anymore.

Some experts see apologies as going the way of other social graces, like polite salutations in e-mails (or none at all) or how to respond to a RSVP. Perhaps it is the fast paced life today and society itself that is so demanding of our time and energy that has blurred our vision of life and its real meaning coupled with the downward spiral of morals that has caused people to be less caring and sensitive to the feelings of others.

"Oh, I'm sorry," people say when they accidentally bump into another person's shopping cart, for example, is often necessary today to avoid an ugly scene or even a fight. Tempers are on the rise and road rage is escalating often ending in injury and death.

One psychologist states that "A good apology is a complex, multifaceted endeavor." I'm sorry is the first step but the simple "I" statement needs to be followed up with a specific mention of the behavior involved, a statement of one's intentions, an offer to make amends and a promise to change in the future.

The more important the relationship, Heitler says, the more important it is to take the time to piece together the puzzle about what went wrong, finding the mistake or misperception and assuring one another of handling similar situations differently when they come up again. An apology handled this way starts a process of healing that can strengthen the relationship.

Sometimes it is just plain common sense and a necessity to survive, that motivates a well-crafted apology, such as the one President Clinton made when he realized he could no longer lie his way out the Monica Lewinsky affair.

>From a tactical standpoint and strategic position, it takes the winds out of someone else's sails to apologize before the offended party decides to take action against you.

For example, if your boss calls you into his/her office to discuss an error, an apology may be your best defense to disarm the situation. Your boss is assured you have seen that your error caused problems and you want to make it up, if you can, and that you will try not to let it happen again.

Even an e-mail before the meeting may be a good idea. Whatever you do, avoid the urge to offer excuses, because your superior will only see you as not willing to accept responsibility and wanting to argue to defend yourself.

Another Psychologist states that accepting responsibility for a particular behavior doesn't make one guilty necessarily, of an egregious act. "Sometimes to make an apology isn't an admission of any wrongdoing or any bad intention at all. In fact, it expresses concern for others.

When a person has made a mistake and realizes how it has affected other people most of the time that person will make a sincere apology with humility, responsibility and empathy, understanding how another person has suffered.

Empathy has a definite role to play in good apologies. Being able to express that you have considered another's reactions and regret having caused or contributed to them underlines the sincerity of your saying "I'm sorry."

Empathy is something not everyone is born with naturally. Learning how to understand how others feel may take a commitment. People who do not take relationships seriously, who don't care if anyone likes them or not are usually the type of people who are easily offended and will almost never say they are sorry.

Dr Aaron Lazare, Dean and chancellor of the University of Massachusetts Medical School states that an "Apology is one of the most profound interactions between human beings...With a good apology, you can move on, but a bad apology lingers."

Another expert in the field says that "An apology is an opportunity to allow communication between people about what when wrong and, if one is willing to accept responsibility, to begin getting closure on an error or mistake."

It is best to tailor the apology to the situation at hand because different kinds of errors, circumstances and relationships make different demands on people. A simple "I'm sorry," may suffice if you accidentally bumped into someone in an airport but when a couple is late to an appointment because one of them was supposed to get the kids ready to go demands more of an apology and explanation.

A good apology enables the parties involved to move on but a bad apology lingers. If an apology leaves you feeling worse, one must ask, if the apology contained all its essential parts: did it acknowledge the offense?

Did it express remorse or regret? Did it explain what happened without lapsing into meaningless excuses?

Did it offer to make reparations? If the relationship is important to the parties involved, such as a marriage or friendship, it may be worth reopening the apology, says Dr Lazare. One should not hesitate to do so. "Mistakes are common, and an acknowledgment of a mistake and of remorse is a wonderful opportunity." he says. "A good apology is an act of honesty, an act of commitment
to the relationship."

Here are some specific tips on how to make a proper apology.

1. Express your remorse. Don't let the apology sound light and airy. Find a way to let the recipient know that you are sorry for the pain you caused.

2. It's fine to let the recipient know what your intentions were, that you didn't mean to hurt him or her or that you let another set of motives take precedence. But don't let your apology become a list of excuses for the behavior.

3. If you apologize in person, look the recipient in the eye as you do so. It's a good way to let him or her know that you are sincere in your regret.

4. Make amends if you can. Suggest something you can do or ask the recipient for ideas. And then be sure to follow through. Actions speak louder than
words.

5. Resolve to learn from your mistake. Whether or not you decide to say this in the apology may depend on circumstances. But if you find yourself apologizing for the same sorts of behavior over and over again, get some counseling.

6. Tailor the apology to the offense. The more complicated the offense, the more complex the apology may need to be.

7. Make time for an apology. Don't dash one off just to get the incident off your conscience. The point of an apology is letting someone know that they are important to you. A hurried apology cancels out that message.

8. Avoid a pseudo-apology, something along the lines of ‘I'm sorry that you're upset' or ‘I'm sorry that you can't take a joke.' Those back-handed apologies mitigate your responsibility and blame the recipient for being too
thin-skinned.

9. Finally, if you find yourself never apologizing or apologizing all the time, you might profit from professional help. The first could mean you shy away from taking responsibility for your mistakes, and the latter might mean your personal sense of guilty is a little out of whack.

By Nancy Haught.

"If a brother sins against you, go to him privately and confront him with his fault. if he listens and confesses it, you have won back a brother. But if not, then take one or two others with you and go back to him again, proving
everything you say by these witnesses. If he still refuses to listen, then take your case to the church, and if the church's verdict favors you, but he won't accept it, then the church should excommunicate him." Matt. 18:15-17. Living Bible.

The RSV says, "If he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."

Compare also Matt. 5:23-26. And finally remember that Jesus forgave His enemies for crucifying Him.

He also said, "Love your enemies and do good to those who persecute you and do all manner of evil against you falsely...for so they also did to the prophets...your reward in heaven will be great." He also told us to jump and leap for joy when we are slandered.
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